“Peace of Mind” something we all look for in our day to day living, something we seldom find but the few lucky ones who do find it try and hold on to it for as long as they can because Peace of Mind is More then A Feeling, it’s a need for survival.
Unfortunately Brad Delp found his peace of mind when he decided his destiny, his last day on earth March 9, 2007.
Three years ago today Brad Delp lead singer of one of my all time favourite bands Boston, 55 years old born in Danvers, Massachusetts was found in his home in Atkinson, New Hampshire dead from carbon monoxide poisoning after he sealed his bathroom, lit two charcoal grills, laid his head down on a pillow, and pinned a note to his shirt that read: “Mr. Brad Delp. Je suis une âme solitaire” or “I am a lonely soul”. His fiancée Pamela Sullivan arrived home that day to find a dryer vent hose was attached to his vehicle parked in the garage as the other end of the hose laid on the floor. The first note found was taped to the door “To whoever finds this I have hopefully committed suicide. Plan B was to asphyxiate myself in my car.”
Pamela already knew Brad had been living with depression although his fans or friends were none the wise as Brad planned a tour with guitarists Tom Scholz and Barry Goudreau for the summer of 07, during the break in the tour Brad and Pamela also had plans to be wed. For all, it was a shock, for Brad it was his way to find his own peace of mind he could not find here on earth.
Brad prepared for his end, writing many notes some public some kept close and only read by those he left sealed to them. His last note found by police and made public stated in simple terms his reasoning for this action: “I take complete and sole responsibility for my present situation. I have lost my desire to live,” He then added instructions to the police on how to contact his fiancée. With his final words” Unfortunately she is totally unaware of what I have done.”
Growing up in the 70s and 80s Boston was played on every radio station I tuned into and if the radio wasn’t on, our home was filled with Boston blasting on the turntable from their first album and my earliest memory and continued memories as Boston never gets old but has always held on with me through the years. Their first album release in 1976 “Boston” ultimately ranked as the best-selling debut album in U.S. history selling over 17 million copies and the birth of ‘Boston’ began soaring to #3 top of the charts, and the first band in history to make their debut in 1977 at Madison Square Garden in New York City.
Their album which consisted of “More Than a Feeling”, “Long Time” and “Peace of Mind”, ranked #3 and stayed on the Billboard 200 charts for 132 weeks.
Tom Scholz writes this was no instant success only once their amazing talent of writing music and lyrics and having Brad Delp sing lead, harmony and backup did all the efforts of 6 years banging on doors with rejection after rejection did they finally get their break and in a blink of an eye their dreams of center stage began.
It is ironic that Tom Scholz wrote the song Peace of Mind, and Brad Delp gave the song life, ultimately to take his own, it will always make fans wonder what thoughts and feelings must have raced through his mind every time he performed it as his tortured soul only he could truly feel rang through each word.
What drives a person that seemingly has so much in their life with wonderful children, a loving fiancé and the fame so many have spent their lives trying to achieve?
This is a question no person left behind who has been touched by a victim of suicide can answer; family and friends of victims of suicide only have questions but none that can truly be answered.
Guilt, anger, resentment, hate, love, sadness, denial, these words associate so much with those left behind, asking themselves what could I have done to prevent it, were there signs, was it me, was I not good enough to make them happy? Did I drive them to it? At points in their life the feelings of resentment to who chose to leave this life in a way we in society all still struggle with finding the right answers but really is rarely because of one person, and those left behind in the need for a good support group to deal with their loss . Finding ways to help those who may consider suicide is imperative in our society, finding the right combination to help deal with their tortured soul that isn’t ever about one person, or one instance that pushes them toward it, suicide is a personal choice riddled with pent up feelings that life can never change so why bother continuing.
I have not been left behind by someone in my life that chose this destiny for themselves but instead have been on the other side, the one who almost became a victim of suicidal thoughts, feelings and attempts long ago in a confusion of thoughts and feelings so overwhelming at times the torture became unbearable. At age 17, struggling with surviving this disorder of Bipolar diagnosed only two years prior and during a time in the 80’s when talking about mental health was taboo unless spoken of in a psychiatrists office because of bizarre destructive behaviours at the time and society wanting to lock up or stereotype a mental illness or disorder with evil doings. Our mental health does lead to crimes especially of abuse, theft and in extreme cases murder, the crimes come usually from those dealing with mental health issues by use of illegal drugs or alcohol believing it’s the only way to kill the pain of the torture that can overtake any hopes of survival but survival is possible, like any other diseases with needed awareness.
The stigma surrounding mental disorders ran deep during those times, to admit to a mental disorder like ADHD, Bipolar, Clinical Depression, Schizophrenia or other ‘abnormal’ behaviours was to be castrated by your peers, family, friends, employers or society itself as either feeling sorry for yourself or just plan crazy. A stigma slowly but surely disappearing as more people especially with celebrity status speak up and those willing to take the time to understand those surrounding them afflicted with these disorders and many like them that is no fault of their own, does not make them crazy or is not a ‘feeling sorry for yourself’ emotion, but what we’re lacking in is help in health care to understand and recognize those who are in need of help, how society can help and how desperately funding is needed for health care facilities and distress centres who deal directly in caring for those who are crying out for help.
In September 2009 my daughter and I took part in the Niagara Distress Centre Suicide Prevention Walk for World Suicide Prevention Day, a walk never spoiled but created awareness from those who donated to those of us who took the first step in this walk. There at the Lion’s Hall as we arrived were families and friends of victims of suicide or other’s like myself who have fallen at one time under the category of ‘at risk’.
I decided to partake in this for a few reasons, first myself having close feelings and struggle to understand why I feel sometimes that death is the best way, sometimes the only way to escape a tortured soul, although with daily conditioning and a great support group directly and indirectly I found have now escaped those feelings it’s the only way to shed the darkest light I’ve seen. I walked for a friend of my daughter’s, her father committing suicide in 2008, I walked for Brad Delp and his family and friends although I didn’t know him or his family personally his voice and soul touched me throughout my life, I walked for Anderson Cooper a journalist I admire deeply and his mother Gloria Vanderbilt, as he lost a beloved brother and his mother lost a beloved son when Carter Vanderbilt Cooper, committed suicide on July 22, 1988, at age 23, by jumping from the 14th-floor terrace of Vanderbilt’s New York City penthouse apartment.
The Distress Centre Walk from beginning to acknowledgements and speeches we heard from family and friends who were left behind, I saw the torture they continue to feel and questions that will never be answered.
I will walk again this year and every year and since that day I’ve met many people who have come out telling me they too have had a close family member become a victim of the darkness that takes their loved one, with no signs they could recognize to have prevented it.
Are there signs we can recognize of an impending suicide? That is a very difficult question to answer but yes there are signs but sometimes so subtle only to the trained in mental health does it become noticeable. With continued education in our society and in our health care as a whole, we may be able to intercept but ultimately the choice will be up to the person who makes that decision to be their final destination.
Since September and walking for Suicide Awareness and Prevention it has opened my eyes, my heart and my mind as a person at risk and a person who wants to help and became a volunteer at the Niagara Distress Centre doing what I can when I can when help is needed.
Distress Centre help lines aren’t only for those with suicidal thoughts, these trained volunteers and professional workers help for all situations of distress whether it’s from abuse in the home, depression from loss of job, loss of family members, dealing with troubled teens, troubled parents, alcoholic or drug addictions and those calling in need of guidance, the next step in recovery or the first place to start.
Unfortunately due to lack of funding, lack of volunteers these centres are overworked and under staffed something that must be changed from the ground right up to the government understanding the critical need to keep places and people like this going, without it our society will continue suffer, we need more then a band-aid solution we need a permanent patch that will start the healing in a world we all struggle to understand.
Photo Edited by Bear Janglez Photography
Bear Janglez Photography is a Home based business located in the Innisfil/Barrie Area
Founder- Brit Piluke
Co-Founder Sabrina Reynolds
Sabrina Reynolds is also the stylist for apparel choices and scenery/poise
Brit Piluke does Make-up artistry.
For more information please visit the Bear Janglez Facebook group
or email at BearJanglezPhotography@gmail.com
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