Have you ever stopped to think why the English language is such a difficult language to learn, maybe this is why we have to much illiteracy come out of our schools by the end of university! Can someone please explain Why We Speak Like This!!

The Monday Funday Funnies to start off your work week and make you go huh?…

Words spelt the same but have different meanings used in the same sentence can be very confusing.

• The bandage was wound around the wound.

• The farm was used to produce produce.

• The garbage dump was so full they had to refuse the refuse.

• I must polish the Polish furniture.

• He could lead if he could get the lead out.

• The soldier decided to desert his post in the desert to eat some dessert.

• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it would be a good time to present the present.

• A Bass fish was painted on the bass drum.

• The Dove dove into the bushes when shot at.

• I did not object to the object being presented to me.

• My insurance was invalid because I am an invalid.

• There was row among the oarsman who was learning to row the boat.

• They were to close to the door to close it behind them.

• The buck does funny things when the does are present.

• The seamstress and the sewer fell down into the sewer.

• To help with the planting the farmer taught his sow to sow.

• The wind was so strong; they could not wind the sail up.

• After my dentists gave me a number of injections my jaw got number.

• I had to subject the subject to a number of tests.

• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

The soldier whose bandage was wound around his wound was to lead his platoon if he could get the lead out of his wound but decided to desert his post while leaning on the post in the desert.

I could go on and on of how the English language confuses even the most astute scholars but whom in the hell conceived this as being the most spoken language in the world when we can’t get it right in the first place.

Another form of debauchery of the English language is how it is used through out the world in different contexts and why or why not it is used the way it is even though at times it makes no sense at all. Am I making sense?

• An eggplant contains no egg at all

• Hamburger does not have ham in it but conceivably you can mince ham and make a real hamburger.

• Today’s English muffin is actually North American while true English muffins were made out of scrap bread and mashed potatoes.

• French Fries are not French but Belgium

• Sweetmeats are candy and sweetbread is meat organs like the pancreas

• Quicksand is not fast acting but rather slow in nature

• Boxing rings are square

• A Guinea Pig is not from Guinea nor are they pigs

• Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing

• Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham

• In the plural sense if there are geese as apposed to goose then more than one moose should be meese

• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one is it the odd or end

• We have a nose that runs and feet that smell

• If a vegetarian eats vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

• In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital

• If we ship by truck why do we send cargo by ship

• How can a slim chance and fat chance mean the same while a wise man and wise guy are opposite

• As your house burns up it burns down

• Fill in a form by filling it out

• An alarm goes off by going on

• The human race is not a race at all

• When the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible

• A homophone is not a phone for gays but a word that sounds the same but is spelt different.

• Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways

• I wind up a watch to start it and wind up an essay to finish it

• A catwalk is not for cats but for models

• Headcheese is not cheese but meat from an animals head(yech)

• The Titmouse is neither a mouse nor a tit but a bird

Confused: why words cannot be spelt like they sound no one wonder there are psychologists. (Point taken)

“English is a language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary, thereby making any form of any word completely and utterly possible.”– Oscar Wilde

So are you confused yet?? Just to jumble up your Monday Funday More here are some more

Other facts of the English language

• The longest one syllable word is screeched
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple
• “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
• There are only four words in the English language that end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• L.A. is short form for El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina delos Angeles de Porciuncula
• Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed solely with the left hand…try it
• The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’
  Ronald Reagan

An oxymoron is not a moron nor an ox but a play on words that contradict each other. Even though they are moronic

• Dry lake
• Fuzzy logic
• Living dead
• Free gift
• Numb sensation
• Same difference
• Stand down
• Metal woods (Golfers)
• Books on tape
• Detailed summary
• Anarchy rules!
• Park drive
• Stationary orbit
• Jumbo shrimp,
• vegetarian meatballs
• Deafening silence
• Sweet sorrow
• Forward retreat
• Silent Scream
• Quiet Riot
• Serious Joke

American and Canadian words that are spelt different.

Why, I dunno why but who cares anyways

American                Canadian

Color                               Colour

Esthetics                          Aesthetics

Behavior                                     Behaviour

Caliber                             Calibre

Catsup                              Ketchup

Fiber                                 Fibre

Catalog                             Catalogue

Center                               Centre

Clamor                              Clamour

Dialog                               Dialogue

Donut                                Doughnut

Endeavor                           Endeavour

It seems for the most part Canadians either add letters or mess them up to really screw with the language

Ok some more useless facts

• The word “queue” is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
• The word “set” has the most definitions in the English language
• Almost is the longest word with the letters in alphabetical order.

You see for all the languages of the world this has got to be the most poked at and made fun of, of them all.

Optional below “R” rated for mature content

If you’re easily offended do not read past this point .. but what the hell…  funny IS funny

Ok and last but not least some slang words or phrases of love and lust and their meanings:

• Gagging the lips of love: female masturbation
• Gape over the garter: vagina
• Gearstick: Penis
• 5-digit disco: male masturbation
• A knee trembler: sexual intercourse standing up
• Baby beef: a small penis
• Baby Crockett: a gay cowboy
• Taffy pulling: A euphemism for male masturbation.
• Wedding tackle: The male genitals
• Angry Dragon: ejaculating in her mouth and then hitting her in the back of the head forcing the cum out her nose so they look like an angry dragon breathing fire
• Dental dam: a flat piece of latex used when performing oral sex on a woman
• Queef: a vagina fart
• Gorilla salad: pubic hair
• Nocturnal emission: when a man has a wet dream
• Rusty trombone: When someone licks a man’s ass and reaches around to the front to masturbate his penis.
• Shrimping: Licking or sucking someone’s toes during sex.
• Vanilla: traditional sex between man and woman
• Pecker checker: a man who constantly looks at another mans bulge or penis
• Raboning: having sex while listening to the Ramones
• Goo goo berry: clitoris
• Split the wishbone: intercourse with a female
• Husking the corn: male masturbation
• Checking for Squirrels: female masturbation

And that Concludes this week’s Monday Funday Funnies!! Have a week of smiles, see you next Monday!!

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