Wow, what a high I was on for 5 days, a natural euphoric high as my mania began into full-blown hypomania, from recognizing this change I have been able to bring myself down a notch, that and Ron insisting I don’t let myself get any higher. The dreaded crash of it, starting with irritable moods then anger then crashing into depression, but it’s hard to force myself to part with the feelings associated that makes me feel alive, feeling and greater sensation of the pleasures surrounding me, taking the bull by the horns.
I knew I was on my way up with the normal indications, and those days felt good, yesterday turned full-blown. The trigger, could it have been from staying up the previous night not wanting myself to sleep, to enjoy the peace surrounding me and to stay awake to experience the sunrise over the lake on this particularly beautiful day, or was it just the natural process that exceeds mania.
I started to notice errors in my judgment yesterday, from the clothes I choose to wear, to things I might say, to actions I was engaging in. I wanted to feel the freedom of flight, feeling like a kite trying to get as high as I can wanting to let go so I could float away into bliss, but at sometime that kite will loose wind and come crashing back to earth, and in the forefront of my mind I knew that. A frightening place I’ve been many times before and somewhere I’d rather not visit again. I knew by night’s end my hypo manic state was spinning out of control, wanting to stay up all night writing. If anyone would read my thoughts at that moment it would just ramble on, but for me it is writing enough to remember my point when I can sit back and recreate the feeling as I write with coherence.
Over stimulation can cause negative energy but if it’s to quiet it keeps me from writing those feelings with to many distractions in my mind soI listen to my favourite tunes with my headphones, sometimes for different needs of inspiration , other times for a release allowing my brain to empty while soaking everything back in.
I noticed irritability from over stimulation in the room surrounding me, with 2 TV’s at close range with different programming, Ron and kids in and out of the room like joey’s (baby kangaroos), Mom, Mom, Mom.
Putting on my headphones would keep the attack from happening, giving me stimulation to settle my over processing brain. My surroundings started to take hold as I angrily asked everyone to leave the room, I was having the beginning of an anxiety attack while trying to relate rationally, but in that state of mind I can put chips on others shoulders and wanted to avoid at all costs, but my reaction was fleeting with agitation.
With the lights turned down, the room TV off and the rest of the crude finally dispersed, it was quiet again, gaining my feedback to listen to the sounds of JD spinning the tunes and my mind starting to feel the effects of calm overtaking me for the first time all day.
Curled up on the bed, with headphones on and lights dimmed the only stimulation I felt was from the music playing gently in my ear with a double shot of Zeppelin, just in time for Stairway to Heaven, a song I don’t play myself but love to hear when the occasion happens on the radio, never overplayed. I lay quietly staring at a picture I drew during an earlier manic episode in November 2007.
With so much happening around me that day, writing was keeping me busy with something else to focus on; I completed a post wanting to bring it to life with either music lyrics or a picture. I picked up a few pencil crayons, with no thought of what the result would be. I drew and coloured until my mind said ‘stop!’ Not very artistic until the need rises, then I just do, with seemingly hidden meaning behind my childlike masterpiece.
Misty Mountain Hop came in as second shot, words to describe what I felt, ‘a different atmosphere eluding around me with a different allure to it, a mind-blowing experience. In this state of mania, life already experienced can still take on a new meaning and feeling, sometimes feeling it for the first time.
This is only one of the many seemingly reasonable reasons coming down off a hypomanic episode seems irrational, why anyone would want to stop feeling that out of body experience is only because what can proceed it not because it doesn’t give an amazing feeling.
Unfortunately, those out of body feelings come rushing back pushing me down with them if I am not careful. My mind started arguing back and forth last night saying ‘Yes I should take something to come down’, No, maybe one more day, just one more’. Rationally Ron put it, one more day may be doomsday, it’s been a 5 day flight, time to descend a few hundred feet, so with that, he gave me one of my prescribed pills.
I woke up feeling closer to earth, mellowed, and better able to concentrate. No bouncing like Tigger, wanting this, that and the other thing, just feeling less anxious but still excitable wanting to continue to come out to play and in this mindset many things can be Tiggers trigger that can send the intense euphoria back again.
It’s all good with the right support around me, telling me when it’s time to come down, know what I need, needing around me those that accept me for who I am and know or to learn how to soothe the savage beast within manic depression.
When explosive energy takes control these are the times worth embracing, never wanting to let go, eventually a check of reality comes to light and with realization life is not always what it’s like with my head in the clouds, so in times when I can feel it, I never want to suppress them away. I generally feel guilt for some reason if I enjoy life to much but the escape needed from sensitivity of stimulation both negative and positive can have profound effects.
Over analyzing a situation is something I have a tendency to do in this cycle on whatever comes to mind, until something comes crashing down in disappointment. Something that could seem trivial to most, but after seeing my world so surreal to only then face the reality of reality, that can send me scared, unglued and/or withdrawn, but other times it sends me into higher energy hypo manic state of mind.
After last nights double shot of Zeppelin a double shot of U2 came and with it Vertigo. A sudden urge came over me like a light came on and I wrote it in my FB, it was also time to repeat the mantra, “Don’t forget to take your meds” and this is what it said:
I’ve heard this song many times before but tonight gave me a clear revelation of what the story was….
Vertigo is a place as you feel deep temptations “when lights go down it’s dark the jungle is in your head can’t rule your heart” — but where there is one side there is always another.. but which temptation is the evil of the two
whispers in the dark and whispers that bring the light
loving and wanting something just within reach but can’t touch — paying your dues
That’s what I take from U2′s Vertigo…
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